This is a pretty full disclosure. I am first a child of God, and then a follower of God's begotten Son, Jesus Christ.
Have I always been this?
I have never struggled with the question, ''Is there a God.''
To me it was evident, where else do we come from? What else explains a sudden creation of man, let alone the Earth and the Universe.
Why aren't there more talking species in the world? How can it be that we even talk and build art and architecture?
If all are natural, why aren't we thinking as the animals think, and living as the animals live? Why aren't we always hunting for food, resting after hunting, and all other primal behaviors of the animal kingdom?
As I said, all was easy to see for me.
I grew up in a Christian home, a Catholic home. I went to mass, went to Catholic school, and served as an altar boy.
In my high school days, I was more influenced by American and Southern things than God things. Although, I was still a practicing Catholic, I would read more about America and history than my Bible or about my faith.
I even had a remarkable occurrence in a dream, or rather, not in a dream, but while I was sleeping.
Sleeping in the waiting room in a Vet hospital which happened to be adjacent to my sick grandfather's room, I heard a clear voice speak to me.
And unfortunately, I recently forgot the exact wording. Was it, ''Matthew, He's gone,'' or was it ''Matthew, He's dead.''
I think it likely to be ''gone.''
This of course was amazing to hear, and it instantly woke me up, and I walked in the next room unconscious to the time or anything of what was around as I was still wiping away the sleep.
As I entered, I saw my mother looking over my grandfather, I heard a funny sound repeat itself in the oxygen tube.
When my mom looked towards me, I said, ''He's dead, isn't he?''
She said, ''Yes,'' And confirmed to me that I walked in only seconds after he passed on.
This was real to me, and I was very spiritual for a while. I was intensely aware of my spirituality for at least a year, and even quit the wrestling team as those boyhood ambitions to be a champion and seek glory seemed trivial.
It took a year or so before I was back to being completely distracted by sports, girls, parties, and teenage dreams.
Off to college, and I was still partially faithful to my Catholicism, but more out of love of my Louisiana culture than out of the love of God.
I didn't live like a believer, and you can really say I was agnostic, maybe a prayerful agnostic as I was somewhat practicing but it was not for any foundational belief in anything other than, ''Well I am not sure, but I believe in God, so might as well pray and keep my culture as that is the best I have anyway.''
And agnostic to Jesus Christ more than God, or a god, a creator.
And this agnosticism allowed me to live unsure and therefore inconsistent to any value I would say I had.
Later in my college days, I was attracted to my spirituality again, I sort of convinced myself that I had a natural spiritual gift. I sort of impressed upon myself a notion that when I drowned as an infant, I was brought back to life and this happening gave me stronger feelings to the spiritual world, a stronger connection. I attributed the voice in my sleep and other mediation experiences I had to this. That one of my talents is that I just might have a connection with the spirit world from my 'death' as an infant.
Of course, I have no memory of drowning, but my parents tell me that I was basically dead and then came to.
After a nice retreat with an uncle and my grandfather, I considered living this out, and becoming a priest. It came from my uncle, he said, and I never knew what made him say it, but he said to me, ''Why don't you become a priest.''
I was in college and although the thought was contemplated before in my life, it was never seriously contemplated until my uncle said those words. It suddenly really struck me as a very interesting proposal.
I told myself, I have this spirituality, maybe I am suppose to use it in that way.
So I spoke to a priest actually, and I told him that I didn't want to be a priest, I wanted a family, but felt that I could be called to become a priest. He said that everything I was saying was a good sign that I was being called, because it usually is not in our will.
But then, I was left only to experience something oppressive after that conversation. I suddenly had a crux of faith, and I went back and told the priest that I didn't want to be a priest, the good Lord willing, maybe I would be a deacon.
This oppressive feeling was one of emptiness and confusion, and felt that I was not even certain about the Catholic faith anymore. I felt a bit ridiculous to feel this was for me and moments later be stricken with all kinds of doubt and confusion.
It was not only confusion, however, it was also rationale, I was not going to sign my life away to something I wasn't sure I knew and understood. And the pope was a huge sticking point for me, why the pope? And why would I join the pope?
This left a lot off the table, and I continued my life as a regular student in college, and spiritually was in an insecure place, but still at peace with where things were. I was happy to say as Socrates, ''I know nothing.''
I would leave for Ireland, and I had a few religious talks in my first few months, however, I really wasn't comfortable talking about my faith as I was unsure what to say in a world I heard more voices against what I was than voices that substantiated what I was.
Then I met this lovely Danish girl on her own spiritual journey. We would talk about things, and I was in my ''I know nothing'' stage, but she showed me how wonderful it was to be on a spiritual journey.
She was also very intriguing as no one in her environment influenced her, she found this road on her own.
She grew up with Lutheran sensibilities as a Dane, but was very persuaded by the Catholic Faith, and she taught me about a few saints and really opened my eyes to a beautiful spiritual journey.
Even more, she would ask questions, and she inspired me to do what I really never actually did. Despite attending fine Catholic schools in my young life, I never really examined all the why's of my Catholic Faith. Those questions weren't in my peripheral, only was there a God, and was Jesus him? I suppose it was because I already saw myself as a Christian by name, and I had no reason to think what is all this stuff in Catholicism really about to its core. It was the way I learned to be a Christian, and that was that.
I would marry this girl in a Lutheran Church. I was not one bit concerned with marrying her in any certain Church. I had developed my own rationales, that marriage existed before Jesus so any marriage is the same with the intent on it being with God.
I had no inclination in me that a marriage in a Christian Church was not Godly. It was the promise of the two people to God themselves which made it Godly.
This is where I was, I was an American, everything could be answered this way. I was a Catholic, but I was not a papist. I was a Matthew, and my Catholicism was that of my conscious not of the law or of the pope and Church teachings to the inscription.
I also allowed my son to be baptized in a Lutheran Church, but this was more so because I knew the Catholic Church recognized all Christian baptisms and being in Denmark as we were this was convenient, and I also made an agreement to allow my wife's brother be the first sponsor which he could not do in a Catholic Church, and my brother as another, but I am still not sure what position this is in Lutheranism, but seemed fair enough so my own twin could claim the title of 'parain' in some way.
But I was still on a quest which my wife help inspire, although after these early years, our spiritual lives took us on different courses. I was actually intrigued by Lutheranism as I still hadn't answered the question for myself why they pope? I also understood the arguments which would question any need to pray to the saints or Mary.
So the essentials of Lutheranism actually made sense to me for a while, and I examined them.
My examinations ever so slowly, however, led me back to the Catholic faith.
The story of Fatima really got my energies going in understanding that in Catholicism the Word of God is alive. Catholicism is a living tradition and is not one where we are only to look in a book centuries old.
With Protestantism, of course people have experiences of God in their own lives, but the foundation of the religion is back in time. Prophets and miracles are what are read of in the Bible. A greater sense of God's mystic body is lost in the textual based faith. Catholicism moves with the world, as God is not stagnant but also involved. For many Protestants, if something happens that is not in the Book, it is rejected. The Catholic Church is very open to God's mysticism at work even today, and there are some wonderful stories which seem to reflect this view as a true one.
And this lead to much more, and then I discovered the vast and amazing resources to me in understanding the existence of God and the existence and Truth which lies in Jesus Christ on the world wide web, specifically youtube.
This blog is all from these moments where I began to get answers I didn't realize they were there all along, and my twin told me to stop sending emails, and start a blog where people could go to if they wanted.
I still send emails :), but they are shorter because I have links to share with what it is I have to say ;)
I should like to speak more to Luther, LINK
No comments:
Post a Comment